Wednesday, 10 July 2013

NHS Boob job girl

I can't believe this audacity for the NHS boob job girl, she had a boob job on NHS and now a few months later says they are to big and wants a smaller boob job on NHS.
I know from my experience with the NHS after begging them in tears about my nose and how much it effected me they don't offer it to many people.

I believe i was a worthy case more than this girl and i was in tears in the office and said without it i was going to most likely kill myself within the year, and yet they still said no.

I really am ashamed of the NHS in this favouritism.

Any how.... I know have my dream nose all paid for by myself and i could't be happier.

Monday, 10 June 2013

The start of my BDD and my school hell

As far as i can remember i have always questioned the way i look, and i believe this is greatly due to being bullied at school, for having a big nose and later at high school for being Goth and having large breasts ranging from DD at the age of 9-10 to going up to a huge L cup.

I believe the bullying was largely what caused my BDD, and although i don't believe my family meant it and i think they are amazing, it didn't help that that whenever someone puts on weight they lay into them etc.
And my mum always had nicknames for me like fat girl or big nose (although said in a affectionate way it still makes you think what the bullies say is true).

Before my nose job at 21 my whole teenage years and childhood was a painful experience of trying to cover my nose with my hair and my hand, never sitting so people could see me side on, and generally believe no boy would every fancy me.
At high school i only had one boyfriend and never received secret admirer valentines cards, even though i would always check my locker on valentines day.
I was called Pinocchio, concord,crow and freak on a regular day to day basis.

Most nights i would have nightmares about school and still do, and most days would beg my mum to not make me go and fake illness, even waking up early to put my head on the radiator to fake a temperature (which my mum quickly cottoned on to when she saw radiator line marks on my forehead, to which she laughed at and most probably let me stay off.)
At school when it comes to P.E i would receive numerous amounts of detentions for not bringing my kit, i would always change in a private area as i was to scared of the other girls seeing my figure and laughing at me.
I wasn't particularly overweight i was just curvy and a tiny bit of puppy fat.
Due to my lack of attendance i didn't get great GSCES but that was a small price to pay for my sanity and well being.

My mother took me to doctor and even had a psychiatrist who said i was highly depressed.
At my worst around 12 i took a hammer to my nose in order to try and fix it or at worst break it and get a NHS rhinoplasty (nose job).
And then sometimes i would think about suicide and used to torment myself by putting plastic bags over my head, staying long underwater to try and drown myself, and i used to punch myself in the face etc.

I started to rebel at high school by answering back and being the class clown to try and become liked by the kids.
It kind of worked with some of the kids, but then every time something went wrong i would get the blame for it even when i didn't do it.
And the teachers began to pick on me to, and even at a meeting with my mum to talk about me being bullied they made up a rumour that i flashed my breasts to a male teacher, to which my mum said i would never do that as i hated my breasts and she said to call that male teacher right away, to which they did and he denied saying it, to which at a later date they denied even saying it in the meeting.
My mum told the teachers many times how badly i was being bullied and most the time the reply would be "we don't have bullying at our school" or "we will do something about it" to which they never did.

At Beacon primary there was a Head teacher Mr Carter who was very pervy and always looked at my breasts when talking to me, i never said anything but always joked with the other kids about him being a pedo.

And one day someone was bullying me and i got sent to his office and i can't remember if i threatened to stab him or the kid but he called the police in.

i went to 3 different primary schools: whitehall- Bristol (i was popular there)
                                                           christchurch -Bristol( Bullied)

                                                    Beacon primary  cornwall(bullied)

And two high schools           Penryn college- Cornwall (bullied bad)
                                              Penair college- Cornwall (bullied bad)

And then finally when i couldn't take it all no more and i got thrown out of penair for being really naughty and swearing at the teachers and usually getting sent out of each class about 3 minutes into the lessons i got sent to a naughty kid school.

One incident which will never be forgotten in Penryn college was a time when one popular boy one day started grabbing my breasts in the coat room constantly, and then at break time on the field when the bell went and everyone was off the field bar me him and his 3 mates they all jumped me and started beating me with big branches and stick pushing me in the mud and pinned me down and tried to touch me and pull my top up and trousers down, attempted rape. Luckily i was stronger than the lot of them pushed them all off and ran away.
But the schools reply to this wasn't to call the police or even expel the boys but the answer was "we will get them to write apology notes, needless to say i didn't receive any notes and i moved on to the next hell hole we call a school, Penair.

Outside of school while living in Falmouth i was bullied by kids and even older kids, who used to stand outside my house shouting they were gonna smash me in etc ( for no reason).

I used to be called ugly all the time, been set on fire, thrown hot curry at, hit with metal poles ( used for skate boarding), spat at, shot at with BB gun,
Punched in the head twice at school (once by a boy, and once by a girl who was meant to be a close mate)

I just really had enough of schools as you can imagine.
Most the time i spent in a part of the school called the base for naughty kids and kids who were badly bullied, all i remember is being in a tiny room no bigger than a toilet cubicle, with nothing in it and made to copy out of a text book (which is hardly learning)
The walls were a very faint colour pink and being in there for a whole school day 8- 3.40 would make me hallucinate and literally go mad, hearing and seeing things.

Anyway enough about school.

So as i was growing up i started posting my pictures on Myspace and i always would dress in sexy clothes out of school, which i quickly gained a large friends list and fan base.
I would be called sexy,pretty,gorgeous.
And couldn't believe my luck, while not believing a word of it.
In Cornwall no boy or man would touch me with a barge pole and yet so many guys wanting me online.
I would arrange to go on dates with guys older than me (but all the while remaining pure and a virgin, i was a good kid like that and could never imagine showing myself my "hideous body" to anyone)
Meeting people offline i would get so so scared i would sometimes chicken out, i would think what will they think of my huge nose (as i never had any side profile pictures).

Around the age of 13 i started self harming cutting with a razor blade.
It got so bad i cut when i was sad but also when i was happy excited or bored.
I was just addicted to it.
Around that time i was also very goth and wore black lipstick to school and had my lip pierced.

And when i mean goth i really went for it, i would wear blood to school on my face shaved my eyebrows off and draw them on.
And on non school uniform day i came in with a famous outfit!!!
Buckle boots 

long black velvet dress
a black bridal veil
a black bouquet of roses
blood down my face 
I got some looks i can say hahahaha.

So at the tender age of 16 i decided i couldn't take the country life in Cornwall anymore and moved alone to live with a stranger offline. And never looked back at Cornwall since.

Anyway i won't go on anymore, but these are the reasons i now have no confidence, still believe i am ugly, still get nightmares weekly about being in a school and being bullied by kids and teachers.
And never look at people in the streets or in the eyes when i am talking to people.

And yet everyone thinks i will either be stuck up or very confident.
So i have little friends and even smaller amount of girl mates.

Now as a adult of 23 i obsess over plastic surgery as i always have, i finally got my dream of a nose job age 21 after a car crash claim for compensation and kindly my mum paying £1000 for my 21st birthday present.

My confidence greatly improved but i still feel ugly most days and still have a long list of surgery i want but do not have the funds.

Each day is a struggle out the door, and i believe people are looking laugh etc (which sometimes they are).

BDD really is a nightmare to live with
I self diagnosed at age 13-14 and was diagnosed by a DR years later.
I was even refused my nose job by the NHS and then later by MYA my first surgeon of choice (with a week to go before my booked surgery after paying the full price, he turned me away after finding out i had BDD) i was distraught but went straight to another surgeon the same week and got my surgery booked in for a few months later.

My next blogs will be on days where i feel particularly low and i will explain how i feel and what i am hating.

Nice to finally write a blog of some sort, i hope it at least helps one person.  

                             My goth school years  :

                          The day of my nose job: 

      Me a the past 3-2 years

 Me now a days lost 3 stone in a year: